I walked into my house last night and did the usual stuff that one does on reaching home after a particularly long day. Then I decided to boil the milk and went into the kitchen. It seemed messier than usual.
Now, anyone who has ever lived as a bachelor or strayed into a bachelor's home would be well acquainted with the state (or lack thereof) of organization. It's not that we bachelors lack organizational ability. It's just that we believe in cleaning up once and for all instead of indulging in a daily ritual of sorts. Like Beetle Bailey, we believe that it's better to let fallen stuff pile up on the floor and pick them up together...so what if it takes a month??
So anyway, the kitchen was messier than usual. Some of the jars were askew while the scissors was talking to the knife on the floor.
Now that's a sin I can never be accused of, since I never endanger life by such irresponsible actions.
I was wondering if a strong gale had come through the kitchen window but I am yet to see a gale that can latch a window after opening it. Thinking thus, I lost interest in boiling milk and went into the bedroom when I stepped on a CD. Another cardinal sin. In my grumpiest moods I would never let a CD be on the floor!! I saw that my bed was in a peculiar state of disarray and the clothes I had hung to dry had fallen down. The word 'rifled' came to mind. So what was the answer? Hobbits? Maybe I was watching LOTR too much....
That was then the culprit scampered from behind me. Rats!!! I cursed out aloud, advancing to the kitchen where the rogue had dissappeared.
I am not new to rats. I am not afraid of them but I detest them all the same. In fact I detest any unwelcome visitors, whether homo sapien or otherwise. I have chased many a rat away and killed a few. I was the only one in my class who was allowed to dissect rats and frogs by the zoology professors. I would willingly cut, splice, dice and generally mess around with the innards, while the girls watched in admiration and the guys in envy. There were a few classmates who couldn't stand the sight of dissections; some of them are now doctors. On my part, the professors were pretty unanimous. 'A surgeon you must be', said Dr.K who headed Zoology and could draw intimidatingly perfect diagrams on the blackboard. I became a mechanical engineer instead and specialized in ripping apart aircraft engines during my final year.
Coming back to the invasion, I advanced to the kitchen and was pleasantly horrified to see that the creature in question was not a rat at all. In fact it appeared to have a bushy tail and large beady eyes. S#@Q@!@U*&^I@$#R#@R$%^E@#L said my left brain to some nerve endings. The nerve endings promptly danced away with the message and they kept on whispering the word again and again till I thought I would explode. And I did.
Now, I must admit here that I have nothing personal against squirrels. I have often admired their agility and seemlessly boundless energy. I have enjoyed watching squirrels running up and down the trees, playing and generally having a ball. I even photographed one of them during my visit to Deogiri fort in Aurangabad. They have maintained a safe distance from me and I have respected their privacy as well. In my expansive moods, I have even tossed a few nuts at them. I believe they even bowed their heads slightly in acknowledgement. If the local association of squirrels had approached me for any help, I am sure I would have more than obliged.
This, however, wasn't such an occasion.
After I had picked myself up, I set about the elaborate task of chasing the chap away. Being of a naturally kind disposition, I had no wish to hurt the fellow. I haven't heard of squirrels attacking humans before and I wasn't eager to be a first anyway. So I armed myself with a broom and then the 'Tom & Jerry' chase began. Within minutes, the squirrel, scared as it was, had covered the whole house with me threatening and cajoling alternatively. I doubt it could understand English or Hindi though. I am no Dr.Dolittle and I couldn't really hold the conversation anyway. Then I had a brainwave and kept the main door wide open. I would have happily yanked the door off if it had helped.
But the ass of a squirrel refused to acknowledge my gesture and tried to find more hiding places. By now, the broom was in pieces and there was dust all over the floor. And then, miraculously the squirrel ran to the main door and exited. I think it happened by mistake.
I immediately shut the door behind it lest it felt playful. As I closed it, I could get that prickly feeling on the neck. It's that familiar feeling when you know your parents have caught you with your back to them while you are doing something that's undoable by parental guidelines. But my parents are in Mumbai, so I thought to myself, 'Must be the ghosts again'. I turned wearily and once again my left brain whispered to the nerve endings.
To cut a long story short, another squirrel peered at me.
Chase no. 2 began. At least Tom had only one Jerry to deal with..
By now I had discovered that the squirrels had 'landed' through the ventilation in the kitchen. My judgement was vindicated when the squirrel ran into the kitchen and attempted to scale the wall to the ventilation as I cheered on in encouragement. It was however an impossible task and was doomed from the start. I somehow managed to open one side of the window in a bid to aid its exit. The idiot kept trying to scale the closed one though, clawing at the glass in frustration.
Squirrels aren't very intelligent, I surmised.
And then suddenly, the idiot had a brainwave and it managed to jump on the sill of the open window. I slammed the window shut behind it as it jumped off.
I surveyed the damage. The house looked messier than usual. I picked up the phone and vented.
I borrowed some sellotape from the neighbours and blocked the ventilation. I felt like some general building the ramparts for a fort. As I said, too much LOTR.
Then, I did what I was originally supposed to do. I boiled the milk and went to sleep.
I woke up today morning and tidied up the living room. Shall do the bedroom tonight.
Vive Bachelore!! Damn Squirrels!!
